Things I hate that everyone likes Volume I: Where the Wild Things Are

Where the Wild Things Are is a 1963 book written by Maurice Sendak. Basically, the book is a picture book about a boy named Max who gets in trouble and has to go to bed without supper. While in his bedroom, he imagines going to a world of strange and ugly creatures and he becomes their leader and then gets homesick and comes back to his room. Recently, it was optioned for a movie, putting this story on the big screen. The book is beloved by everyone.

Let me posit this: MOST OVERRATED BOOK EVER. I know this is sacrilege amongst almost everyone but it sucks. Okay, it doesn’t suck, it just really is overrated. Let me explain, it is not that the book itself is bad. What bothers me is just how much everyone loves it. And it’s not just that they love it, it’s that they fucking love it. People waited in hours in line for the movie premier of a book that has 10 sentences in it. I was at a party the other day where someone was getting a fucking tattoo of Max and the Wild things on his arm. It’s not even that, it’s that everyone was into it. They thought it was cool. Fuck. I need to go punch a wall now.

when it's grey outside

trees aren't as vibrant when it's grey outside

they blend in with power lines, with stoplights, with street signs

the western mountains are lost in hazy clouds and smog

this landscape would be deafening if it weren't so muted

the wind picks up to scatter dust and leaves and memories and newspaper over the beaten down cement

footsteps are harder to discern, harder to remember, harder to acknowledge when the wind blows

sounds echo more loudly in the wind when it's grey outside

they are just harder to understand

Good Idea/Bad Idea Edition 1 - Masturbating at work.

Introducing a new feature called Good Idea/Bad Idea where we break down certain situations that could be a good idea or could be bad idea and ultimately come to a decision about whether it is a good idea or a bad one.

Edition 1: Masturbating at work.

Masturbating is almost always a good idea but you may want to reconsider if you are at work. First off there are logistical concerns. The IT department most certainly would have red flags if you were looking at porn on your computer and magazines are hard to subtly sneak in. Private bathrooms clearly would be the best location but most people do not have access to one and public bathrooms certainly do not provide you with proper privacy. Your office is far too risky because coworkers are certain to need something and closed doors are suspicious. Janitors closets have limited access and all other areas are much too public.

Further red flags include the fact that if you were to get caught you would most certainly run into problems. If a coworker catches you, several things could happen including: them telling the boss, them losing all respect for you, awkwardness in further interaction, possible loss of job, and (or) possible lawsuits. There are similar results should your boss catch you but there is a certainty of a reprimand of some sort.

While it may seem tempting to masturbate at work, the risks ultimately outweigh the payoff and you should not masturbate at work.

Verdict: Bad Idea

Pros: thrill of getting caught could be turn on, you’re masturbating

Cons: could get caught, un-ideal setting, logistical concerns, possible loss of job, possible lawsuits

Trip to the Olive Garden

I am an eater. A good one. I like eating. I love eating. More than you, in fact. I am a foodie. At least a self described one. Food is what I enjoy. I eat out too much, but they are at least at good restaurants. I cook every once in a while too. And I am even sort of good at that. I would cook more if I didn’t hate my kitchen. It’s too small. And it has electric burners. Worthless. Why am I going to Olive Garden then? Salad and Breadsticks. And irony. Well those and it was Sunday night in Salt Lake City. Not much is open on Sunday night in Salt Lake City. I had a partner. Amanda. She was like me. So we together ventured towards the downtown Olive Garden, we opened the door and uncomfort smacked us across the face.

The inside of Olive Garden looks like a movie set of what Italy looks like in campy 70s films. You don’t have to sell me on the fact that I am being whisked to Italy. I know that I am not. A few steps in: “Welcome to the Olive Garden!” Used car salesmen think Olive Garden employees come on too strong. They greet us as if they care that we are here. Foot off the gas pedal slick, we get we’re at the Olive Garden. In terms of jobs people hate, Olive Garden is a lock for the top ten. Stop pretending you like this. I know that you don’t. “Is it just the two of you tonight?” “Yes.” “Okay well there is about a 10 minute wait.” Fuck. Not only am I at the Olive Garden, ironically, but there is a wait. “But if you’d like to sit in the café you’re more than welcome; same service, same menu. “Yeah that should be fine.” “Okay, help yourselves to a seat.”

Position paper on the effects of the industrial revolution on philanthropy in the arts, music, and education.

It helped.

A Collection of Funny Tweets

A collection of funny 140 character notes from my Twitter

• Which is worse? Impaling your foot with a nail or watching Glenn Beck? Vegas has it at pick 'em.
• Scene of the Day: Girl in class awkwardly smelling her bag and getting the "just smelled dog shit face"
• Eating salad with a spoon is as fruitless as it sounds.
• Scene of the Day: Grown up guy actually playing with animal crackers.
• Memo to bald guys: I know it is sunny and you don't want to burn your head, but please for the love of god don't wear baseball caps.
• You really have to watch CNBC to realize how awful it is.
• Look I voted for Obama too, but c'mon he won, the bumper sticker can go.
• So if you cheat on your girlfriend in Venice does she get to throw all of your shit out the window into the canals?
• I always feel like a real man when I go to Jiffy Lube to get my oil changed.
• Scene of the Day: "just4mom" vanity plates on a 1986 Pontiac Grand Prix.
• "What does a chlamydia look like?" -bus billboard
• Twitter can trash a kid's brain; talk to your kids about twittering; parents the anti-Twitter
• What's more unbelievable? The plot of the Da Vinci Code or that Tom Hanks is a Harvard professor?
• Alfred Molina: bigger sellout in the Da Vinci Code or Spiderman 2?
• Tom Hanks, critically acclaimed actor of Philadelphia, Forest Gump, Castaway, and uhhhh the Da Vinci Code?
• No guys Tom Hanks didn't mail in his performance in the Da Vinci Code, he UPSed it.
• Ron Howard, visionary director of such films as Apollo 13, A Beautiful Mind, Frost/Nixon and um, well, uhh the Da Vinci Code.
• Has any actor gotten more cheap mileage out of one word than Ian McKellen and the word "pass"?
• If Tom Hanks UPSed his performance in The Da Vinci Code, Ian McKellen for sure used FedEx
• A 10 gallon hat seems a little big, what about a 6 gallon?
• Just what I wanted. An uncomfortable quasi ad hoc office party...with rootbear!
• Is anyone else concerned about the family? What is Tito supposed to do without a brother to piggy back on.
• I think for once I am going to achieve before I believe.
  
• When are the Michael Jackson tribute specials going to get old? My vote: day before yesterday.
• Romantic date at Olive Garden.
• Just finished my trip to the Olive Garden, filling my quota for the year.
• I think the Olive Garden employees should come on a little stronger.
• Just watched Defiance; to recap James Bond and Sabretooth are defiant Jews in Eastern Europe and are dramatic about it.
• Does anyone realize that John Travolta has been in three obnoxiously iconic movie dance scenes? That is unprecedented.
• Marty has got to be the most underrated character in Grease - pretty hot, less cheesey, not much baggage.
• Do you think moose are pissed that Abercrombie is giving them a bad name?
• I prefer apathy to whatever the opposite of apathy is.
• Nothing more interesting than hearing NBC reporters break down the Jackson funeral.
• I take it back, interviewing random people on the street after the funeral is WAY more interesting.
• What is Michael Jackson’s favorite Christmas song? Lil’ Drummer Boy
• What is Michael Jackson’s favorite mid 90s sitcom? Boy Meets World
• Who Michael Jackson’s favorite on-air celebrity chef? Julia Child
• What is Michael Jackson’s favorite consignment store? Kid to Kid
• Insert your own question about masturbation? Beat it!
• If my jokes weren't in bad taste, you would eat them.

Ed Hardy vs. Trucker Hats, a discussion

DISCLAIMER: If you like Ed Hardy, please do not read this post. If you are offended by the word douche bag, please do not read this post. If you are a douche bag, please do not read this post. You have been warned.

The following is an exchange via Facebook between myself and a Mr. Hema Tapa. The initial discussion was generated by me positing the rhetorical question of why Ed Hardy trucker hats continue to exist. After some initial banter about the overall ugliness of Ed Hardy as a brand and the douche bags who wear it, another question was posed:

Christian: My question is did Ed Hardy make trucker hats more douchey or did trucker hats make Ed Hardy more douchey? It's like the chicken and the egg.

Hema: No it's not. It was definitely Ed Hardy making the hat more douchey. Ed hardy is a bane on the existence of the planet and the people who wear his stuff are guys who need to be castrated.

Christian: I like your point but I might go the other direction, trucker hats were douchey before Ed Hardy got to them. I mean the "Jesus is my homeboy" hats were incredibly douchey. This is what makes the argument so complex.

Hema: I think you are misunderstanding the subtle complexities between two things: douchey and trashy. They are very similar but also quite different.

Christian: I might argue that there are different types of douche bags. perhaps like they categorize meat. USDA Choice, USDA Prime, etc. I understand the trashy perspective, but I don't know if you can argue that the guy with the skinny jeans and Jason Mraz nerd t-shirt and trucker hat is not a douche.

Hema: I would not say dude is NOT a douche bag. I would however, question your ability to tell me he is also not trashy. I feel Ed Hardy is trashy. Not trashy in a white trash sort of way but in a ugly as hell sort of way. One who wears such things are most certainly a douche for just buying it. "Jesus is my homeboy" is just trashy though. So while Ed Hardy hats (or anything Ed Hardy for that matter) are 100% douchey the trucker hat, depending on what is on them are also very trashy in and of themselves. "My other ride is your mom" being one of the best examples.

Hema: I submit that douchey is a guy who thinks he is cool for wearing/buying/having very visually offensive clothing just because he is told they are cool. Trashy is wearing something with a picture or a tag line you wouldn't say or do in front of your grandmother. So while all things trashy are douchey, not all douchey things are trashy. Or we could just go with all douche bags are trashy and run with that.