Things that need to go away (Part 2)

• Jean shorts; I don't really need to say anything about these, I mean just awful, take them off, like drop your pants on the spot. Going pantsless is better than jean shorts.
• The phrase "man card." For those unfamiliar, a "man card" is basically your right to be a "man" however it is only used really when it is being taken away. Example: "If you use that lavender body wash, I will have to take away your man card." Oh my God, shut up. It's just so stupid. Plus only people who are insecure in their own manhood ever try to take it away so be cautious in your use of such a stupid, stupid phrase.
• Fleece vests. Look, Patagonia is cool and all but you look like a jack ass.
• People who use the handicapped door automatic button who are not a) handicapped or b) carrying a lot of stuff or c) both. Is opening a door really that hard? You grab the handle and pull; and even if it is a push door. That is even easier. You can basically keep walking and put you're arm or foot out and you will go through the door. That is easier than the button. What has your life come to when simple tasks like that require pressing a button? I have seen handicapped people who don't even bother with the button. Are you lazy? Are you jealous of people in wheelchairs? Are you just stupid? And it's not even any of that it's that the door mechanism is slower than any possible way you could open the door yourself. It's not like it's way faster and so much better to press it, it's actually less efficient. Stop pressing the button.
  

Things that need to go away

• Bernie Madoff jokes
• OctoMom jokes
• People who call in Radio Station A or TV Station Z defending OctoMom, does anyone actually care what you think? alternatively: people who call in Radio Station A or TV Station Z condemning OctoMom, does anyone actually care what you think? don't you have better things to do then talk about some crazy woman. And it's not even that, it's like you treat it seriously. Example: someone called into CNN earlier today and was saying how awful this woman was and that the caller was a single mom of seven herself, and she successfully started a non-profit and what have you, YOU HAVE SEVEN KIDS AND A BUSINESS AND YOU HAVE TIME TO CALL INTO CNN TO PUT DOWN OCTOMOM. ITWEIDHGSA]UGJDJ;HBV. Sorry I just passed out from rage and fell on my keyboard.
  
• Grownups typin lik ths whn they try 2 txt u; seriously just type the words, it's not hard.
• Jimmy Fallon's talk show, I watched like 3 minutes last night. Holy cow was that awful. Not even the audience laughed. I think ?uestlove was about to throw his drumstick at him.
  

Obama's Address to Congress

• Blah blah economy, blah blah jobs.
• I set the over/for applause breaks at 24. I took the over. It's currently 7:48pm mst. We are at 25.
• Blah blah healthcare.
  
• Pelosi needs to sit down, she stands up like every 46 seconds.
• Education is awesome.
• Orrin Hatch is from Utah!
• 7:51pm mst = 29 applause breaks.
  
• Obama 1; Bush 0
• What the hell is an earmark anyway?
• Yup, he just mentioned Iraq.
• Pelosi is up again. And it's not just standing up. It's like she is on a trampoline. Or think this, it's like she is the teacher and just sat on a thumb tack.
  
• Blah blah, tax cuts, blah blah.
• I am tired of American Flag Pins as an institution.
  
• Iraq count: 2
• It's nice to see a president who can pronounce Middle Eastern countries correctly.
• Obligatory "We support the troops" drop
• The MSNBC audience reaction thing is going to blow up.
• Blah, blah terrorism
• WOW! EQUIVOCATION! HE SAID EQUIVOCATION! that is a 12 letter word, 12!
  
• Blah blah, hope, blah blah inspiration, blah blah banking guy who gave away his money.
• Who cares about Greenville, TX? Oh, wait, it's an inspirational story.
• Obscure town reference 2: Dylan, SC
• Who actually wants to become a lawyer or a doctor? Is that still a thing?
• Michelle is hugging that girl.
• God Bless America.
• Applause Breaks final: 39
• Now he is trying to get out of the chambers, what an uphill battle.
  
• How many handshakes do you think had tonight? I guess 3424
• Now he is signing autographs.
• Do you think Michelle and Barack can get a celebrity couple name like Brangelina, or Tomkat? Barchelle? Michack? I could see this catching on.
• I like that the camera is still rolling in the chambers. There are like 12 people left. Is that interesting?
• Oh wait now they cut to Baton Rouge.

• Governer Jindal's response.

• Could this guy get any more cheesy? I think I watched him on a PBS kids special once.
• Do you think he really is excited by supermarkets?
• You totally care what party your constituants are, you wouldn't be there if they weren't Republican.
• Story time.
• What an awful story.
• This is the best the GOP has to offer?
• Trillion... trillion... where have I heard that number before, oh wait, the Iraq war.
• Yeah let's not monitor volcanoes, science is over rated. So is the safety for the people who live by volcanoes.
  
• LARGEST INCOME TAX CUT IN THE HISTORY OF THE COUNTRY! WOW!
• Isn't Louisiana like the most corrupt state in the country?
• Oh wait, they passed some of the strongest ethics laws in the country. Way to nip my question in the bud.
• There he goes with that trillion again.
• And now he is talking about the troops, you can't write this stuff.
• I am glad he hates Bush as much as everyone.
• That is a nice sum up of wars and attacks.
• "The most" annoying governor in the country.
• God Bless America
• Wow, that speech was awful.
  

Michael Phelps

Michael Phelps is in hot water because he smoked marijuana. He has been suspended, he has been dropped as a sponsor from Kellogg, and he might even get arrested. I have a novel question, who cares? Look, this guy is the best Olympic swimmer ever; he is the best Olympic athlete of a generation, and arguably the best Olympic athlete ever. You honestly care that he smoked weed? Like seriously, honestly? It makes me angry. He is a freaking American icon. You loved him when he was racking up hardware in Beijing and now he smokes a little weed and he is getting dropped kicked? He is freaking 23 years old; he has been swimming at an Olympic level since he was 15. Fifteen. First off, isn't he allowed to screw up? He is a kid who didn't get a chance to be a kid.

Here's another news flash: kids smoke weed. He is just doing what every other 23 year old is doing.

And second of all, did he even screw up? Last time I checked, the Olympics are an international event. Look here. That is like half of the freaking world where cannabis is legal or decriminalized. Smoking marijuana is no worse for anybody than smoking tobacco. Everyone has heard that argument. Don't get me started on drug liberalization. (I will rant about that later). But I mean it’s not a big deal, it really isn't. Phelps got lit. Who cares? The only argument I really buy is the de facto illegality of it. He broke the law in South Carolina. Okay, you got me there, but honestly how many people smoke weed in SC, Wikipedia says there is 4,479,800 people in South Carolina. What's the over/under on how many people smoke pot? 500,000? I would take the over in about 4 seconds. Not to mention he was at a party at the University of South Carolina. A freaking house party on a college campus. Yeah no one ever smokes weed there.

His DUI was 764 times worse and who talked about that during the Olympics in China? No one. Oh wait he was winning gold medals in China.

And Kellogg? Seriously Kellogg? His image is so tarnished that he can't hock your Corn Flakes any more? Who is going to go to the grocery store, pick up a box of cereal with the intent to drop it the cart, look at Phelp's noggin on the box and say to themselves, "Wait he smoked marijuana, I better put this back." It makes me sick. Oh and by the way Kellogg, stoners love Frosted Flakes and Eggo waffles, so I would actually run with this.

Here is to not caring if Michael Phelps or anyone else goes to a party, gets lit, and has a good time.

Super Bowl Pick

I don't know if you have heard about this, but there is a big game coming up on Sunday February 1st. It's called the Super Bowl and it matches the Pittsburgh Steelers with the Arizona Cardinals in Tampa, Florida.

Lines current as of 5:00p mst on Sunday January 29th, 2009 and from oddsmaker.com

Steelers (-7) vs Cardinals

For all intents and purposes the Steelers should win this game. They have more experience and a tougher defense, they have won a Super Bowl before (several in fact), the Cardinals on the other hand are on a Cub like streak of post season failure.

With two weeks of Super Bowl coverage the Cards still seem to be getting overlooked. Everyone who is picking them is only picking them because they are scared that everyone else is picking the Steelers. Everyone says "watch out for the Cardinals" but are they really even thinking that? It seems that it is just lip service. Who actually thinks they will win?

Honestly though, with how many people the Cards have shocked I am surprised the line is as high as it, I mean a touchdown favorite? Against a team that can score in bunches? Who has not once since not covered? And the Steelers are one "Troy Polamalu is a freaking stud" interception (against a rookie quarterback from Delaware) from not covering against Baltimore and a Santonio Holmes punt return touchdown (against a punter who had like the best game in the history of punters the week before) from not covering against San Diego. Doesn't Vegas have a gun to your head to take the points. How can you not? I can't really find it in my heart of hearts not to take the points.

But to my actual pick.

Look I already said the Steelers should win this game. I have picked against the Cards at every turn and they have burned me at each and every one of those. I want to take the Cardinals but I am afraid they will lose if I pick them, I want them to win because I want the Lombardi trophy to be live west of the Mississippi for the first time since 1998. I am tired of it. I want the entire western US to be vindicated in its professional football standing and for its entire reputation to be improved. Not even that, but can you imagine how many story lines would come out of the Cardinals winning this game?

• Cardinals win their first Super Bowl ever.
• Larry Fitzgerald puts on the greatest playoff performance possibly ever.
• Anquan Boldin and Todd Haley yell at each other out of joy.
• Kurt Warner rides off into the sunset as a Super Bowl champion a la John Elway.
• Ken Whisenhunt beats his former team.
• Finally offense trumps defense

Where does it end? I really do not want to ruin that by picking the Cardinals. But man I have this feeling, I have this sneaking suspicion that they just might do it. I think they will, I am totally talking myself into this pick. Do I curse the Cardinals and go with my gut? Or do I go with my other gut and take the Steelers. I haven't been this conflicted since I stole two marbles from preschool, oh screw it: Cardinals 27 Steelers 24

On Exclamation Points

Exclamation points were once a valuable part of the written English language. An exclamation point's very presence defined an entire grouping of sentences, the exclamatory sentence was defined by the very existence of the exclamation point. They were used to express strong feelings, sentiments, or emotions. They were once my favorite form of punctuation. They were heads and shoulders above the comma and period and they were definitely more exciting to write then the question mark. The exclamation point allowed you to show passion in writing, it showed that you were not simply declaring something, you were exclaiming it.

The problem is that the exclamation point has become a mere triviality. It has been overused to the point of gluttony. We, as an English language society, have become exclamation point gluttons. Not only has it been overused, but it has been misused. It's not only that we are gluttons, but we are doing it incorrectly. We are eating with our nose. Think about it, do you even think the other person is excited anymore when you read an exclamation point? How many times have you seen a sentence that ended in seven or eight exclamation points. We have completely devalued the exclamation point as anything exciting. Its overuse has completely destroyed the very nature of itself. It makes me mad. I would love to once again use the exclamation point.

For this to happen however we need to stop using the exclamation point. We need to make people forget about the exclamation point. Then and only then when the value of the exclamation point has been restored, when we once again hunger for the excitement it brings, then and only then will I once again be able to comfortably exclaim things in print. I implore you, the English writing language, to stop using the exclamation point. I am done with it, I no longer will use an exclamation point in any sort of writing. I refuse until its value is restored. And to bid farewell to the exclamation point I leave you and it with this.

Stop using exclamation points!

On Yuppies; an exposé on yuppies in the Salt Lake Valley

A yuppie is a rather clumsy word for a younger person usually in their 20 or 30s who is professionally driven and lives in a major urban center, a "young urban professional." Salt Lake City has evolved itself into an urban environment and along with that urbanity has come with it yuppies. They are generally well intentioned but many times lack the social graces to interact with people other than other yuppies. This can lead you to believe that all yuppies are pompous and arrogant, which is not true. The truth is that most yuppies are pompous and arrogant. Yuppies shouldn't be feared however, they are harmless and are actually a valuable part to any urban center. The most confusing thing about a yuppie is not discerning whether or not they are a yuppie but exactly what time of yuppie you are dealing with. There are several different types of yuppies, each with their own characteristics and features that discern them from other yuppies. The following is a guide to different types of yuppies you may run across around the Salt Lake Valley:

The Mormon Yuppie

A very common yuppie, especially south of 21st South. You will tend to see mostly males in this category as the females are home tending for the children. Should you see one of these in the wild with their mate, you will undoubtedly see the children as well. These children are usually not well behaved and are fond of throwing sugar packets on the ground. The Mormon yuppie tends to work in financial fields such as banking, accounting, or insurance. White collared shirts with red or blue ties are very common, and are almost never seen in patterned shirts. The Mormon yuppie tends to look down on most people but is polite about it because they are very non-confrontational.

Average Number of Children: 3.7
Automobile of choice: Ford Expedition

Beverage of choice: Diet Coke
They tip: 12%
Mexican restaurant frequented for lunch: Cafe Rio

The Dorky Yuppie

The Dorky Yuppie is the kindest of the yuppies. There is less disdain for people below them than most yuppies but this is counterbalanced with unwaveringly bad social skills. They have not fit in to their surroundings for sometime but usually have skills that other people value. Jobs these yuppies have include information systems and medical technology. Golf shirts with khakis are common, as are Gap jeans. Dress is informal and modest, but watch out for "Hawaiian Shirt Friday."

Average Number of Children: 1.8
Automobile of choice: Toyota Corolla

Beverage of choice: flavored lemonade
They tip: 18%
Mexican restaurant frequented for lunch: Costa Vida

The Traditional Yuppie

This yuppie is very common. They usually have a high level of education. They are actually very adept at social interaction, especially with other yuppies but they also have the smoothest interactions with other non-yuppies. Although not universally true, they tend to be fans of good food and wine. Often occupy something called a “McMansion.” They are prone to usage of nannies and babysitters. Common jobs include doctors, professors, and entrepreneurs. These yuppies are very good at throwing parties, although the parties tend to be unentertaining to all except other traditional yuppies.

Average Number of Children: 2.1
Automobile of choice: Subaru Outback

Beverage of choice: Pinot Grigio
They tip: 25%
Mexican restaurant frequented for lunch: Barbacoa

The Skier Yuppie

The skier yuppie, also known as the Snowbird yuppie is a yuppie who thrives in winter conditions but is often not seen in the valley. They seem to be enamored with something called a “Bluebird Day.” Skiing is the preferred pastime although some outliers prefer snowboarding. Skiing also dominates conversation after skiing. Beards are preferred by the males. Most have some sort of goggle tan, also called “raccoon eyes.” Careers are harder to discern among skier yuppies because they are so often observed away from work. Suspiciously hibernating during the warmer seasons.

Average Number of Children: 1.8
Automobile of choice: Toyota 4Runner

Beverage of Choice: microbrews
They tip: 18%
Mexican restaurant frequented for lunch: Lonestar Taqueria

The Hip Yuppie

This yuppie is very thin and usually has an equally thin partner. They are commonly seen on scooters in the warmer months. In the cooler months scarves are very popular. Males tend to wear suit jackets with t-shirts. Females are fond of skinny jeans and larger sunglasses. They usually have an office in some place that used to be a loft apartment. Common fields include architecture, internet start ups, and art galleries. They also tend to live in buildings that used to be offices. They often have tattoos but are usually invisible while clothed. 5 o’clock shadows are common amongst the males. They are known to frequent independent films.

Average Number of Children: 0.7
Automobile of choice: Toyota Prius or vintage bicycle

Beverage of choice: Perrier
They tip: 20%
Mexican restaurant frequented for lunch: Sushi, Mexican isn't hip enough.

The Rocker Yuppie

This is the hardest type of yuppie to discern because of their similarity to people similar to them with no money. These yuppies tend not to work as much, or are at least very good at making it seem as though they do not work as much. They have a lot of time on their hands and seemingly informal careers evidenced by beers and margaritas at lunches that last more than the usually allotted lunch time and the frequency of body modification. Common careers include tattoo artists, hair stylists, and writers. Tattoos, rock and roll boots, and wallets with chains are common.

Average Number of Children: 0.4
Automobile of choice: Vintage Chevrolet

Beverage of choice: Pabst Blue Ribbon
They tip: 20%
Mexican restaurant frequented for lunch: Red Iguana

The Almost Yuppie

These yuppies are just not quite yuppies yet. They are very smart and have limitless potential but usually they are still stuck in college unable to achieve their full yuppie potential, they tend to be act like a yuppie in all areas except the lack of money. Almost yuppies are intelligent, evidenced by good marks in school however they sometimes struggle with emotional problems. They are very politically charged and feel as though they can change the world. Over the top optimism and an inability to hold liquor are common.

Average Number of Children: 0.2
Automobile of choice: Volkswagen Jetta

Beverage of choice: Coca-Cola
They tip: 17.5%
Mexican restaurant frequented for lunch: Rubio’s