A Collection of Funny Tweets

A collection of funny 140 character notes from my Twitter

• Which is worse? Impaling your foot with a nail or watching Glenn Beck? Vegas has it at pick 'em.
• Scene of the Day: Girl in class awkwardly smelling her bag and getting the "just smelled dog shit face"
• Eating salad with a spoon is as fruitless as it sounds.
• Scene of the Day: Grown up guy actually playing with animal crackers.
• Memo to bald guys: I know it is sunny and you don't want to burn your head, but please for the love of god don't wear baseball caps.
• You really have to watch CNBC to realize how awful it is.
• Look I voted for Obama too, but c'mon he won, the bumper sticker can go.
• So if you cheat on your girlfriend in Venice does she get to throw all of your shit out the window into the canals?
• I always feel like a real man when I go to Jiffy Lube to get my oil changed.
• Scene of the Day: "just4mom" vanity plates on a 1986 Pontiac Grand Prix.
• "What does a chlamydia look like?" -bus billboard
• Twitter can trash a kid's brain; talk to your kids about twittering; parents the anti-Twitter
• What's more unbelievable? The plot of the Da Vinci Code or that Tom Hanks is a Harvard professor?
• Alfred Molina: bigger sellout in the Da Vinci Code or Spiderman 2?
• Tom Hanks, critically acclaimed actor of Philadelphia, Forest Gump, Castaway, and uhhhh the Da Vinci Code?
• No guys Tom Hanks didn't mail in his performance in the Da Vinci Code, he UPSed it.
• Ron Howard, visionary director of such films as Apollo 13, A Beautiful Mind, Frost/Nixon and um, well, uhh the Da Vinci Code.
• Has any actor gotten more cheap mileage out of one word than Ian McKellen and the word "pass"?
• If Tom Hanks UPSed his performance in The Da Vinci Code, Ian McKellen for sure used FedEx
• A 10 gallon hat seems a little big, what about a 6 gallon?
• Just what I wanted. An uncomfortable quasi ad hoc office party...with rootbear!
• Is anyone else concerned about the family? What is Tito supposed to do without a brother to piggy back on.
• I think for once I am going to achieve before I believe.
  
• When are the Michael Jackson tribute specials going to get old? My vote: day before yesterday.
• Romantic date at Olive Garden.
• Just finished my trip to the Olive Garden, filling my quota for the year.
• I think the Olive Garden employees should come on a little stronger.
• Just watched Defiance; to recap James Bond and Sabretooth are defiant Jews in Eastern Europe and are dramatic about it.
• Does anyone realize that John Travolta has been in three obnoxiously iconic movie dance scenes? That is unprecedented.
• Marty has got to be the most underrated character in Grease - pretty hot, less cheesey, not much baggage.
• Do you think moose are pissed that Abercrombie is giving them a bad name?
• I prefer apathy to whatever the opposite of apathy is.
• Nothing more interesting than hearing NBC reporters break down the Jackson funeral.
• I take it back, interviewing random people on the street after the funeral is WAY more interesting.
• What is Michael Jackson’s favorite Christmas song? Lil’ Drummer Boy
• What is Michael Jackson’s favorite mid 90s sitcom? Boy Meets World
• Who Michael Jackson’s favorite on-air celebrity chef? Julia Child
• What is Michael Jackson’s favorite consignment store? Kid to Kid
• Insert your own question about masturbation? Beat it!
• If my jokes weren't in bad taste, you would eat them.